LIFE, ACCORDING TO BLAKE
Blake (while giving me the biggest snuggle):  “I’ll miss you, mummy, but I’ll be ok.”

I put my only child on the bus for his first day of kindergarten yesterday.  I was filled with a combination of pride and wonderment.  Where did the time go?

As we waited for the bus to arrive, Blake ran around our driveway with boundless energy and excitement.  His impatience was only rivaled by his anticipation.  It was pretty funny to watch.  Just before the bus rounded the corner, I asked Blake for one last snuggle.  He jumped into my arms and threw his arms around my neck.  He hugged me with all of his might.  It was the greatest feeling ever.  He said softly, “I’ll miss you, mummy, but I’ll be ok.”  The bus stopped at the end of our driveway and his eyes lit up.  He climbed the bus stairs, and I had to laugh that his “larger than him” backpack seemed to be swallowing him whole.  He quickly turned around and headed back down the stairs for one more snuggle with daddy.  With a smile and a look of confidence, he climbed back up and took his seat.  His head looked so little in that window.  He flashed me our “I love you” sign and he was gone.

My heart hasn’t felt this full, yet this empty, since I had to leave Blake in the NICU and go home without him the very first time.  The only difference is that, back then, it was ME telling HIM, “I’ll miss you, Blake, but I’ll be ok.”  And I was.  I still am.

LIFE LESSON:  It’s amazing how some of the hardest life experiences can also be some of the best.  It’s all a matter of perspective.  You CHOOSE the lens through which you view life, so choose wisely.

Blake:  Mummy, why did you smile at that lady?  Did you know her?
Me:  No.  She just looked like she needed a smile.
Blake:  How did you know?
Me:  I didn’t.  But I smiled anyway.

Every so often, I’m asked about my tendency to smile at anyone and everyone I meet.  (Now that I think about it, perhaps what they really are asking is if it’s genuine or if I’m just a grinning idiot.  My answer is yes.)  “Heather, are you always this happy?”  Um, no.  “Heather, you must always be in a good mood.”  Ahem, wrong again.  Just ask my husband and son.  Or my secretary at work.  Or my siblings.  Or the guy at the auto repair place who assumes I’m a stupid girl and tries to screw me over.  Wait, where was I…  The reason I do it is really not complicated and there are no ulterior motives.  I simply believe that God has given us each a gift we can use to be someone else’s angel.  My entire life, I’ve naturally gravitated toward those who were either alone or appeared lonely.  Someone new in school.  Someone being picked on on the bus.  Someone who didn’t have many friends.  Someone who seemed to feel unnoticed or alone.  I really didn’t care what their station was in life or what “group” they identified with.  For some, a warm and genuine smile can send the message that they are not invisible.  So, personally, I believe I’ve been blessed with the ability to put people at ease by making them feel heard and understood and that I have a responsibility to share that.

“But, Heather, if you’re in a bad mood and still smile at people, aren’t you just being fake?”  Nope.  I just don’t think that my own bad day or bad mood should be taken out on everyone else, especially strangers.  Period.  

Besides, is it REALLY that hard to smile at someone?  No.  It doesn’t take much effort.  Word on the street is that it only takes 17 muscles to smile versus 43 to frown.  (I wonder how many muscles it takes to have bitchy resting face???  LOL  I’ve always wondered that.  Alas, once again I digress.  But it is an interesting question, no?  Perhaps not to the person who has said BRF… *sigh*)  

And, yes folks, Blake has been blessed with the gift of an infectious smile and amazing giggle… though it is currently both a blessing and a curse as he seems to be utilizing his gift more as a manipulation tool to get what he wants.  And it works.  Even on me.  And I KNOW what his motives are.  Still, it both amazes me and fills me with such pride that he is able to melt even the most hardened of hearts and already recognizes that “everybody is different, and that’s ok”.  As he grows and matures, I hope his gift does too.

God has given you a gift, too.  Aren’t sure what it is?  Just ask Him.  He will show you.

LIFE, ACCORDING TO BLAKE
Blake:  Mummy, do you remember on the news when those people took groceries without paying first?
Me:  Yes, buddy, I do.
Blake:  That was BAD!
Me:  Yes, buddy, that wasn’t right.
Blake:  Mummy, let’s pay for our groceries today and not steal them.  Ok?
Me:  Ok.  Good lesson.   (As if not paying for them was an option…?!?!?)

Life lessons.  We all learn them.  Sometimes knowingly, other times not.  Many times, we learn them the hard way.  Some we’ll always remember, and others we soon forget.  And while our intention is to teach our children things like good behavior and manners, I find that it is in fact our children who sometimes end up being the teachers.   (Though, for the record, I already knew the lesson Blake was teaching me about stealing… well, except for that gallon of milk that somehow managed to allude the grocery scanner.  And the package of chicken I forgot on the bottom shelf of my cart that one time.  I always meant to go back to pay.  Ah, crap.  Perhaps Blake had a point…)

Now that we have Blake, I realize just how much we want to teach him and how little time there is to teach it.  Be good to others.  Everybody is different and that’s ok.  Sometimes you win, and other times you don’t.  It’s good to have others be proud of you, but it’s most important to be proud of yourself.  You don’t have to be the loudest one in the room to be a leader.  Don’t talk back.  Sit up in your chair.  Stop picking your nose.  The cushionless couch does not double as a trampoline.  No, the word “poop” does not belong in every sentence.  Ok, so I threw in some of the instructions you may hear uttered both loudly and frequently in our home at the moment, but I think you’d agree that they still apply to us adults, too!

The one message I feel is the most significant and seems to permeate each and every other lesson we teach Blake is this… YOU MATTER.  It makes no difference who you are, what you look like, what zip code you live in, what you do for a living, how much money you have, how many things you own… YOU MATTER.  You are important, you have a gift to give and a purpose to serve.  You may not know what it is, but you will figure it out as long as you keep your eyes up and heart open.  Until then, we will keep reminding you.

It’s not good enough to tell your children that they matter.  You must show them.  And, while I’m at it, don’t be a “do as I say, not as I do” parent because your kids watch you ALL THE TIME.  They are perceptive and intuitive little human beings and they will adopt the behaviors you display and the ones you accept.  If you allow others to treat you poorly, they will think that is ok.  If you treat others poorly, they will think that’s ok, too.  So, SHOW THEM what is right.  Unfortunately, parents are not always going to be there to correct their child’s behavior or boost their confidence.  Children need the tools to do it for themselves.  So, do the right thing.. give them the tools they need and the autonomy to practice those skills.  Someday, they will thank you for it.

LIFE LESSON:  You are the only person who can be YOU.  There is no other YOU and that is pretty awesome.  So, don’t allow others to determine your self-worth because it’s possible that their actions may be the result of them not realizing that they matter too.
#youmatter

LIFE, ACCORDING TO BLAKE
Me: “Are you nervous about going to school for the first time?”
(Translation: Aren’t you as scared to death of going to school on the first day as I am about dropping you off????)
Blake stopped in his tracks, turned to me, and flashed his trademark grin:   “Nope. I’m going to make new friends.”

And that was that. Off he ran to play with whatever toy caught his attention.

I admit it. I’ve never been very good with change and have taken a certain amount of comfort in the status quo.  I’m sure Blake could sense that this particular transition is challenging for his mommy, so I will never forget that moment or how that simple sentence lessened my fears. In his very own Blake way, he was telling me that it’s ok to let him go because he was going to be just fine. I know I’ll be fine too… because I’ve already scheduled 18 years of counseling appointments and medication refills for myself. I’ve also gone to BJs and bought tissues and visine in bulk. Bring on the first day!

Last week, we went on our very own tour of his preschool in an effort to help ease his transition… oh, hell, who am I kidding!?!?!? We also went to ease my anxieties, too!  LOL (He will be the only child who hasn’t been a student there previously. Would he feel left out? Will he find friends? Will he love it or hate it?) Though I wanted to follow him everywhere he went to suck up every last moment of his non-student life, my husband and I sat back and watched as he chatted happily with his teachers. He learned about his classroom, his cubby, and the activities he and his classmates would engage in. He excitedly asked lots of questions and seemed completely captivated by his surroundings. At one point, as Blake was racing around the classroom as if participating in a NASCAR sponsored footrace, his teacher looked at me with a big smile and said, “Well, he’s certainly not shy, is he?” HA! No, Mrs. Heller, that will certainly not be an issue. Not for Blake, anyway.

What was so telling is that Blake rarely looked back at Seth and me for reassurance, and we tried very hard to avoid correcting his behavior. We let his teachers do that. And he listened. (On a brief side note… why does my child unfurl his angel wings for other adults but hang his halo from his horns for his father and me? What is up with that! Just curious…HA!) So, as I sat there, watching my big boy literally move on without me, it struck me like a ton of bricks that this was it. Starting on September 9^th at 9:00 am, he would be a student for a very long time. Gone is the teeny, tiny NICU baby. Gone is the baby who refused to crawl, talk, or walk until he was darn good and ready to. Gone is my spunky toddler whose open-mouthed, million dollar smile could melt even the most hardened of hearts.  Wow.  It was like I was seeing him for the first time.

It is absolutely a very exciting time for him. Though I may not necessarily be ready, he certainly is and will gain all of the incredible things every child gains when they begin life as a student. (Not all of the new knowledge – and terminology – he acquires will be positive, though it will provide for some interesting future posts on this blog, don’t cha think?  LOL)  For Blake, for the very first time, he will have school friends he can have over to play. As an only child, that is huge!  He will have classmates he can invite to his next birthday party or be invited to theirs. No wonder he’s excited! He will gain more of a sense of independence and autonomy. Most importantly, he will learn that it’s ok to take off down his own path without us. Just as we did during his preschool visit, his daddy and I will sit back and let him go.  If he gets scared or unsure, all he has to do is turn around and mommy and daddy will be there. We may be dabbing our eyes with tissues, but we will also be smiling and bursting with a sense of pride as we tell him to keep going. Yup. We will be just fine.

LIFE LESSON: Don’t visit your fears or anxieties upon your child(ren). You will cost them the opportunities to gain confidence (though sometimes through failure), acquire a healthy desire to try new things, and (deep breath) develop the internal self-assurance they will need to go their own way.  On their own. You can tell yourself that holding on to them too tightly is something you’re doing for them, but it’s not true. You’re really doing it to ease your own fears. So…. Let. Them. Go. Kids are more resilient than you think. And so are you.

In the blink of an eye
Things about you change
From how old you look
To the grown up things you say
So many times
I ask where did my tiny baby go
Back when I wondered
If you’d ever grow
Yet here you are
As strong as can be
Whose love and laughter
Mean the world to me
I know that someday
You will go your own way
But until then
Kisses and snuggles will fill each day.

LIFE, ACCORDING TO BLAKE
Me: (showing Blake a picture of me around his age) What do you think of this picture?
Blake: Um… why do I look like a girl?
Me: That’s me, silly.
Blake: (hopelessly confused) Huh?
Me: (showing a picture of him next to mine)
Blake: Ohhhhhhhh! Wait… huh?

“I hope you have a child JUST LIKE YOU!”  Has your mother ever said that to you?  And I don’t mean as a compliment, either.  (“You are so sweet and well-behaved, I hope you are blessed with a parenting experience that is just as easy as what I have with you.”)  Nope.  I mean they are so angry the only punishment that keeps them from killing you is the thought of you to dealing with the same exact situation with your own child(ren).  Yup, my mom has said it to me.  Possibly numerous times, but I’ve blocked it out.

Now, I direct your attention to the photo of Blake and I at around the same age… you’d think my mom had a dedicated phone line to God himself during Blake’s fabrication phase.  (“Heavenly Father, may I make a request?  PLEASE make sure Heather is looking into her VERY. OWN. EYES.”)  Judging from appearances alone, I think it’s safe to say that my mother’s request was not only noted, it became the very blueprint from which Blake was designed.  We tend to have the same facial expressions, too, which is creepy.  There’s nothing like turning around to admonish your child only to have your very own face staring back at you.  It literally makes me jump at times.  (It’s equally as frightening when I open my mouth and my mother’s voice comes out!!!  I swore that would NEVER happen…)

Sadly, the similarities are not limited to a love of dancing, singing, laughing and meeting new people.  Nuh-uh.  That would be too easy and would defy my mother’s wishes for me to have a child just as wonderful as I was.  Go figure.

A charming attribute my mother is pleased that Blake inherited is the tendency to verbalize his observations.  In public.  And at about 120 decibels.  Apparently, I was the queen of this as a young child and thought nothing of sharing them with those around me.  Especially with the person to whom the observation pertains.  Apparently my cuteness would disarm my prey and then quickly vanish when I opened my mouth… “Hey wady, you reawy should bwush your hair before you weave your house.”  Lucky me that I have a son who doesn’t miss a thing or the opportunity to ask about it.  Or ask his prey about it directly.  He’s lucky he’s so cute.

So, yes, folks my mom got her wish.  The perfect punishment she waited years for has come to fruition.  I have been cursed with blessed with a mini-me.  ;o)

LIFE LESSON:  Don’t piss your off your mother.

LIFE, ACCORDING TO BLAKE
Seth: Blake, please don’t talk with your mouth full!
Blake: But you’re doing it right now!
Me: (snort, giggle, guffaw)
Seth:  Honey, you may be excused.

They say laughter is the best medicine. (Who is this mysterious “they” we always seem to refer to, anyway? We begin so many sentences with “they say”…)  Ah, as usual, I digress…

Well, I happen to disagree with “they.”  Laughter is NOT always the best. In fact, it has gotten me in trouble all my life.  During my youth, I was sent to eat my dinner on my parents’ porch several times because I couldn’t stop laughing at something one of my siblings had done. (Suffice it to say that my parents were more-than-likely not nearly as amused as I was.  I know this because the porch they sent me to had a hole in the floor and felt like it was attached to the house by 2 rusty nails!) As an adult, I have even been excused from my own dinner table for laughing at Blake!  Granted, it was usually because Seth was attempting to correct something Blake did or said and I was… well… let’s just say I wasn’t helpful.

Before now, I never understood my mom saying (well, yelling, actually) “just because I’m laughing does NOT mean I’m not angry with you!”  Apparently it’s genetic, because laughing has gotten me into more than a few parenting predicaments. There I am, really unhappy with Blake, and about to dole out some discipline… and, in an instant, he looks at me with those smiling eyes and flashes that infectious smile, and I know I’m going to be the one in trouble.

Blake has a great laugh, and I love laughing with him.  It’s not always the best time to do it, but I enjoy all the same.

LIFE LESSON:   Sometimes it’s a good time to laugh. Sometimes it’s not ideal. The most important thing is to never forget how.

LIFE, ACCORDING TO BLAKE
Blake:  Mummy, you would be so sad if I died. But I’d love you forever even if I died.
Me: ………..
Blake: Mummy? Why are you crying?
Me: (I literally couldn’t speak.   What was he trying to tell me?  What would I do?  How would I live without him???)

Whoa!!!

We were just talking about trains and his new sandbox while he finished his shower when he whipped opened the shower curtain and hurled these 18 words at me.  Eighteen sweet and innocent words that came out of nowhere and brought me to my knees.  Tears instantaneously and involuntarily filled my eyes as, for a few long moments, I swore he was trying to tell me that he wouldn’t be here much longer. (I’ve read these kinds of stories many times. A young child says something profound about his love for you and how he’d miss you… and then suddenly they were gone.) For a few long moments, I was filled with a sense of dread and fear I hadn’t felt since Blake’s stint in the NICU where I watched helplessly as he struggled for every breath. (He fought for his life in the NICU and won and has been doing great ever since. Is the other shoe finally doing to drop?) And for a few long moments, there I was on my knees, in the middle of my bedroom, practically paralyzed by my biggest fear. I grabbed Blake and hugged him tightly, never wanting to let go. As quickly as it began, though, the moment ended. Blake declared I was hugging him too tightly and he couldn’t breathe. He wriggled out of my grasp, giggled, and ran off calling over his shoulder that he had trains to play with.  I sat there by myself –  questions swirling around in my mind and anxiety filling every cell of my body.  It was then that I heard Blake’s infectious laughter emanating from the other room and realized I was wasting my time worrying about something that hasn’t happened.  So, I got up and blew my nose.  I suddenly had a desire to go play with trains.

LIFE LESSON:   Sometimes it’s not necessary to search for the meaning in each and every thing someone says. You may miss the moment itself. Rather, take it for what it is. My son was telling me that he loves me. Very much. So much so that even if he wasn’t here, his love for his mummy was so big it would stretch from Heaven to earth. I love you too, buddy. Big much.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go take a few extra anti-anxiety pills.

Blake has never been your “average” child. He was born too early, stayed in the hospital too long, and has somehow managed to contract illnesses that made even the pharmacists raise their eyebrows. From bronchitis to MRSA, he has kept us on our toes, our hands in our wallets, and our insurance company begging for mercy. :o)

From the very beginning Blake has always had an endless curiosity about people, places, and things. (We joke he was born early because he was nosy about what we were doing on the “outside,” and believing he was missing out on something! This would explain why he can still be a bit of a challenge at bed/naptime!) As an infant, whether it was a new toy or a new friend, his propensity has been to study it closely before deciding his next move. (To play or not to play? To smile or not to smile?) Fast forward 4-1/2 years and his curiosity and need to make sense of the world around him hasn’t changed. The only difference is that he now has the vocabulary to ask question after question until his brain is satisfied it has enough information. Sometimes he “gets” it, sometimes not. What has resulted from his exploration process are the thought provoking (and many times, hilarious!) exchanges he has with us, which I began documenting on my facebook page some time ago. After being asked over and over to create a blog, I have finally given in and welcome you to come along for the ride. You may laugh. You may cry. You may raise your eyebrows. One thing is for sure… much like everything we’ve experienced with him so far, nothing is ever “average” in Life, According To Blake!!!!